Chapter 5: The acceptance
5 stages of grief last on acceptance
Have I accepted it?
2024 only bygone for 31 days, and here I am sitting alone at some nice coffee shop completely fine after spending 8 hours at the office and facing the whole office drama. Wait, not just office drama, but the whole experiences from beating my own laziness to put on some clothes, going to subs, and experiencing the whole traffic. Basically, I am able to fulfil my duty as an adult.
In other word, *with a lil pat on my back* I am back to who I am. A girl who is no longer afraid at what’s in front of me.
Becoming the society.
In my effort to blend in, to be part of this vast, intricate society, I found myself striving to live by others’ standards. The need for acceptance was a powerful force, driving me to adapt and conform, believing that in the name of survival, it seemed like the smartest way to navigate this new world. Yet, in my eagerness to fit in, I often lost sight of my own values and principles, like a leaf carried away by a swift river, unsure of its direction.
However, amid this struggle, I discovered the profound importance of boundaries. These boundaries became the anchors that held me steady, preventing me from being swept away entirely by the currents of conformity. It was a delicate balance — honoring the societal norms of my new home while staying true to the essence of who I am. Respecting my values and principles became a quiet rebellion against the loss of self. In the heart of Jakarta, amidst the cacophony of voices and the rush of life, I carved out spaces where my authentic self could breathe and thrive. This journey taught me that while adaptation is essential for survival, it is the steadfastness to one’s core values that ensures not just survival, but a meaningful, fulfilling existence.
Or … Have I?
I know it sounds anti-thesis, but for those who truly know me, they are aware that by the end of 2023, I spent at least a week hiding away in my “cave”, leading me to fly back to my hometown to sort things out. By sorting things out, I mean untangling the mess in my mind.
Then the time has come for me to back at work.
At first, everything seemed fine as I walked through the bustling streets of Jakarta. Life was manageable, and I felt confident as long as my internal battery was full. But then, loneliness began to creep in. The ache for a deep connection resurfaced, intensifying as I roamed the streets. Gradually, my battery starts to decrease, along with this, my confidence starts to depleting as well. There’s this thought that kept haunt me that I cannot shake off. This fear spiraled into overthinking, which led to anxiety, and eventually, to bouts of GERD.
In those moments of despair, I realized I couldn’t continue like this. Fortunately, I knew I had people back home who would catch me, who would listen and offer support. I had my boxing camp at GBK, the comforting taste of wedang jahe from my favorite street vendor, and the unwavering support of my community.
So, have I truly accepted my move to Jakarta? I believe I have.
Yes, it’s challenging at times, but who doesn’t face tough periods nowadays? We are adults, after all, and being an adult means confronting these struggles. Stressful jobs, demanding deadlines, and not-so-supportive environments are part of the deal. But I know my roots have grown deeper; I understand myself better now. I’ve recognized my limitations and established my boundaries.
In the end, these chapters aren’t about whining, even if it might sound like it. It’s a memoir of finding myself and adapting to a new normal. It’s about acknowledging the hardships while also celebrating the resilience that comes from knowing who I am and where I belong.
*ps this was also reminder that I am not alone, everyone is experiencing their own battle, I am not that Alien. As well as a reminder that I have those people who’s going to be my personal trampoline. You guys, you hv my gratitude.
